Behind the times?


This latest rambling came as a result of a conversation on twitter the other night. The subject was Cannabis, whether to legalise it or decrimalise it? There is a difference and one Holland have embraced. It is still an offence to be in possession of Cannabis in Holland but they choose not to enforce the law. They have decriminalised it. Supplying the said same drug however in their country is a different matter and their powers are far reaching. Far more than in the United Kingdom.

In other European countries there drink/drug drive laws enable them to prosecute at the roadside and the driver lose their license there and then. The Road Traffic Act 1988 makes provision for this but to date there has been no devices approved by the Home Secretary to enable this to happen.

So what would be the consequences of decrimalising Cannabis?

Well the offences of possession would fall off to zero. A reduction of crime? But it is still an offence to drive a mechanically propelled vehicle whilst impaired through drink or drugs. So possession of Cannabis would essentially have a blind eye turned but smoke that evil smelling weed whilst driving then you are still liable for the most robust prison sentences.

So would I decrimalise Cannabis? NO. In my opinion Road traffic collisions would increase, as would those seriously injured or killed. I suspect this aspect of criminality has not been thought through. Yes offences of possession would reduce but offence’s of impairment would increase. That can only lead to a higher death rate on our roads.

Did no one think of this?

I was lucky………..


I knew i would have to write this at some point. Knew I wanted to write it, knew I needed to write it.  All my years as a family liaison officer count for nothing.

At 23:40 hours on Friday 21st April  my dear Mother took her last breath and started her journey from this life to the next.  I cannot praise the nurses and doctors enough for the care they provided for her.  She died very peacefully for which I am eternally grateful.

But I was lucky.

I was lucky I had the chance to say goodbye and be there at the end.  I have not been that lucky in the past.

I was lucky that I did not have to say goodbye to a son or daughter.

I was lucky that I had the chance to say goodbye and not have to wave her off on yet another mundane day without saying that I loved her.

I was lucky that she was not involved in a collision where her body would not be suitable for viewing.

I was lucky that I had wished I had said things that I didn’t.  I have joined that club also.

I was lucky that after receiving a call from from my step Dad that my Mum had had a massive heart attack I made straight to the hospital from work and spent the next eleven hours with her until she died.  I was lucky that I had the chance to say to her what I wanted to say even though towards the end she was not with us.

I was lucky that I was able to hold her in my arms together with my Step Dad as she died, stroke her hair, kiss her forehead and squeeze her hand.  Tell her I loved her and that I always have and to let go, not wait on us.

As distressing as it is, not everyone is this lucky.  And as upset as I am, I feel for those relatives that not have been as lucky as myself.

There can be no life without death. Peace.

I was lucky……

Carry on…….if you can


I have been meaning to post this for a while. The unfolding events of last night concerning the Boston Marathon brought my thoughts to the forefront. I am being assisted by @welshwallace. She is an inspiration and a person I admire immensely.

Last week I went to visit my mother who is currently in hospital. Very weak and frail and certainly not the mother I remember although my love for her knows no bounds. Whilst in the ward I gazed across the other beds in the room. All very sick people. One bed in particular caught my attention. An elderly woman in her eighties crying at the pain she was in. Her equally elderly husband also in his eighties tried his best to adjust her position in her bed. He wasn’t coping. I had to assist. I thought to myself “Please God don’t let me end this way.” Life is for living right? Not to slowly die without any quality of life. Not only quality of life for the sick but also for those caring for them.

I asked myself some hard questions. How do we cope? How do we get through life changing events? How do we carry on?

The cadets at West Point military academy were made to write their own obituaries before they went off to war. An eye opener for them and grounding in reality. Life is finite and it was intended to make them think about themselves and their lives. What ever we do eventually will come to an end. The only question we have to ask is whether we go out on our feet or on our knee’s.

So how do people, faced with unimaginable tragedy, loss and grief carry on? Sadly we don’t know how strong we can be until we have to. Equally sad is that we only seem to be at our best as human beings when things are at their worst.

As a family liaison officer I deal with people at their lowest ebb. They amaze me with the dignity and measured strength at the news of the loss of those closest to them. I am constantly humbled.

So why do we carry on when life throws its worst? I suspect we carry on because the alternative is far worse. As creatures born to live then death is the end game, not an event to suffer slowly. An event that changes our lives makes us realize that.

Who wants to live to a hundred? That person who is ninety nine.

My Lovely friend Welsh wallace opines. She gave her all and as a result pretty much sacrificed her all………….

Why do we carry on? I have two answers but they are separated by time.
Ask me a couple of years ago why did I carry on despite loosing my sight and my other injuries, I would have said – because I do not have a choice. I do not have the guts to commit suicide. That was my only alternative. The physical pain i could deal with. Learning to walk, lungs burning when I breath were bearable but mentally dealing with never seeing again was my daily battle. That was the bitch who would not leave me alone for a single moment.
Ask me now, a few years later, where medically things have not changed. I am still learning to walk. I still have lungs that don’t work so need oxygen now and again and I am still blind yet my answer is different. Because I love my life and despite everything i have never been happier. I know to some that will seem strange but it is true.
It hasn’t been easy to get to the place I am in now but I got there. I went through anger and grief and resentment to those who could see. They said I had to go through “mourning” for loosing my sight and it took me to hell and back. I took solice in my pain killers to escape but over time where I started to accept it, I started to enjoy life again. I started to enjoy life through my new eyes (or lack of them) and started to realise no matter what I was still here, I was still alive and the thoughts of “the other choice” disappeared.
Now I love my “after life”. That’s what I call it. I have shut the door on my “before life” where i could see. To me it doesn’t exist. I never talk about it or mention it. This is me now, in my “after life” without sight and since I learnt that trick, everything has taken on a new meaning. I also have had a serious wake up call a couple of years ago. The damage to my heart and lungs is quite bad. They can fail at any moment and the realisation that this can happen was the kick up the backside I needed to get out of the wallowing I was living in, regarding my sight loss as it made me realise i did not want to give up as i still had a lot going for me.
I have the constant reminder of the emergency medical alarm I have to wear 24/7 halfway up my forearm which I call my Doomsday button. If I press that, it turns my house into “Thunderbirds Are Go” and it felt weird knowing I was always being watched by the internal CCTVs around the house, more not to walk around naked and give the guys who watch these things all day traumatic stress of my naked body but it allows me to live a normal life on my own and I forget they are there. But i am not telling you this for sympathy. I’m telling you this because I want you to understand despite everything i couldn’t be happier.
The work I now do helping others with their sight loss gives me so much reward. I would not be as good as I am if I had not walked in their shoes. To tell someone that things do get better and they know I mean it makes a huge difference than someone who only knows this from books because you can never comprehend what that person is really going through by books alone. I seriously think now that things happen for a reason. We may not know that when it happens but it does. I have had major organisations change rules and training towards people with sight loss so many others now benefit. The RSPCA wouldn’t allow blind people to adopt freely before until i stuck my nose in a few years ago and completely re-wrote their manual and training. I use what has happened to me to now make a difference to others in similar shoes but do not have the voice.
I don’t think of when i could see because that’s living in the past. I now only live in the present, blind. It has also brought me back to my first love of art and now the thought of waking up in the morning, making a hot coffee and going to work in my studio professionally makes me feel like my life is now perfect. But if someone had said this to me years ago, my response would not have been gracious. Now …….. and I genuinely mean this………. I wouldn’t change anything for the world. I hear things and smell things I have never experienced before. And I also appreciate things because i now know how easy you can loose them. Losing my arm was not a big deal to me as it is probably only a third as traumatic as losing my sight so I have treated that no more serious than having a tooth removed. I have greater perspective on what is important and if things go wrong they will sort themselves out (most of the time)
So yes, my answer is completely different than it was a few years ago. Now when people annoy the hell out of me saying how they feel sorry for me or pity me, it is I who pities them because they have no idea what they are missing out on. The old adage “you don’t know what you got until it is gone” is so true but what it doesn’t say is once you have lost it you make sure you never take anything for granted again and you drink up every moment afterwards so you never miss out on anything again.
Life is what YOU make it. It is up to you if you want to let it pass you by or you can live everyday as if it is your last. To some of us that more true than others.

Every story has its end.


A blank screen.  Like a writer facing a blank page its difficult to to know how to start. Perhaps I will start will this.

I am grieving in advance.

My mother has suffered declining health for many years now but in the last few months the down turn has been dramatic.  6 stone in weight, almost as much as I had lost from my heaviest back to normality. Now immobile and so weak as to unable to walk safely I went last week to install a proper stair case at her home so she wouldn’t fall down the stairs.  In that short period of time she can no longer walk at all.

Over the last 12 months I have had scares that have caused me to take time off at work at very short notice. Clearly a very sick woman.  The latest episode several weeks ago, she was hallucinating seeing pixies and thinking my 16 year old son was the Prime Minister and how good he looked in his suit. 

I have taken the decision to grieve in advance.  I am not saying my mum is going to expire any time soon but I have to prepare myself for the moment.  I grieve in advance because I have to be strong for those that are left behind when that moment does come.

I have to be strong for my wife, my sons and perhaps most importantly my step father who god bless him him has become a full time carer for my mum.

She is currently in hospital with yet another unexplained episode and getting weaker by the day. I wont bore you with her medical details and nor would I do to preserve the dignity of both my mother and her husband.  Needless to say it is a very difficult time.

Perhaps a strange decision of mine but I’ll work through the loss now so when it happens, I can be there for the people I love and need me.

Finally every story does have an end. In real life it is rarely a happy ending as no one wants to say good bye to a loved one. As long as its a happy story up until the end then thats all we can ask for.

Shades of the same flower.


As I get older some memories are familiar friends recalled everyday; others pop up out of the blue but are as vivid as the first time they are experienced.

Hector is one such find memory. Hector lived at the end of the street in an area called Old Trafford on the out skirts of central Manchester. Thorpe street, to be exact was the road my grandparents also lived on. Every Sunday I would hop on the back of my Dad’s Honda 70 motorcycle and travel the short distance to Thorpe Street.

Hector was afro carribean and he was my mate. Every Sunday in those long hot baking summer’s we would play cricket in the road. A plank for a bat and sticks for a wicket we would reenact the epic battles of games played between the giants England vs West indies. Whilst rain often stopped play at that famous ground such a short distance away, our only interference was the occasional passing traffic. Hector’ s skin was a different colour to my own. I had heard about racism but never gave it much thought. Probably didnt understand what it meant. Hector was different to me but that was it. I didnt think I was better or worse than him and he felt the same about me. We were pals. Hector had an unique talent of being able to turn his eye lids inside out. He knew I hated it but he never batted an eye lid despite his ability to do so.

My grandmother was a proud welsh woman and certainly the matriarch of my family. She always desribed Hector’s family as from the other side of the street. In this modern age you would say she was being racist. But she was stating a fact in the first instance and more deeply recognising that Hector’s family were from a different culture. Like myself she never thought we were better than them. All the more remarkable for a woman that was born in 1899.

To me racists fall into two camps. Those who are raised to hold such views and those who decide to hold such views. Ignorance and fear usually fuel the latter.

Thankfully my grandmother whilst stern was loving. Hector’s family eventually moved away and I never knew what became of him but he has a place in my memories and if im honest my heart because he was my friend.

Move on 20 years. I find myself in the middle east. A professional photographer and seconded to the countries airforce, I photographed the yearly passing out parade. One white face in a crowd of twenty thousand local people. I felt alone, on my one and definitely a minority of one. The King of that country beckoned me forward and smiled as he allowed me to take his photograph. He was far more relaxed than I was. Body guards clothed in national dress clearly carrying sub machine guns. They viewed me with suspicious eyes and I wondered if the flash from my camera would result in the untimely death of myself. Obviously it didnt and I was treated with nothing but respect and dignity.

Lets turn the clock on a few years more. I was a police officer. Teamed up with my acting sergeant (a british asian) and I was young in service. Due to abstractions and sickness we doubled up constantly over a period of six months. We trusted each other, hell I lent him my Black and Decker workmate bench (still not got it back.)

One night we were sat outside a local night club in the section van. Various drunks came and went until one young white male decided that we were his taxi for the night. Despite repeated refusals I could see what was coming. “COME ON P**K* GIVE US A LIFT. ” If there is a world record for exiting a van, arresting an individual and placing him in the secure cage then I bet my Sergeant and myself are joint holders. The young man I’m sure didn’t mean to be racist and is probably not racist but in his drunken state he attacked the weakest point. We as human beings seem to be very good at that!

My final recollection a few years ago, all of which are true involves the one day cricket match at Headingly, Leeds. England vs Pakistan. Getting tickets for the last days play, My then young son (an opening bowler for his team and still is) and myself had no say in which stand we were allocated. We walked to our seats. Its fair to say we were in down town Islamabad.

The stand was rammed with Pakistani supporters regaled with large Pakistani flags. It wasnt long before we struck up a conversation we an elderly pakistani gentleman and his extended family. My son talked cricket with him and I confided that my favourite batsman was Mohemmedd Yousaf. The smile of that gentleman’s face was a picture and he shared his families meal with us both. Neither could I refuse and I also knew that I would insult the gentleman if I did. What beautiful food. Then it happened. The crowd, slowly and in hushed tones started chatting Paki. The chant became very strong very quickly. I sat in my seat and squirmed at that term. Yet the crowd merely were using it as an abbreviation for the team they followed. I thought of the irony and placed myself back outside that night club with my acting sergeant. (I believe we still hold the world record!)

Whether black or white or whatever colour you happen to be inbetween we are all shades of the same flower.

When we cut ourselves we all bleed. Since blood keeps us all alive and since it is the same colour then surely we must all be the same.

I wonder how much blood has to be shed before we realise their is only one colour.

Roadside tombstones


Like many of you I suspect, I do the same regular journey along the same route most days of the week. It is a journey which will have one aspect in common with every other journey everyone else will do. That is the bouquet of flowers that are fixed to a  lampost, fencing or an over bridge. I have even seen flowers tied to a marker post by the side of the hard shoulder of a motorway. When we see those flowers we all know what they mean and why
they are there.

A universal symbol of tribute, loss and love. I have marvelled how we as human beings use the beauty of a flower to celebrate both life and death and perhaps soberly remind ourselves that there cannot be one without the other.

Flowers at the roadside slow moving traffic down better than any council roadsign could ever do. We spare a thought for the briefest of time for those unknown lost before spending the rest of our journey contemplating our own mortality. The worst fatal collisions l have dealt with are those where the deceased have been caught on cctv, oblivious to the fact that literary within a few seconds they will exchange this life for the next.

Yet my eyes and that of many other Police Officers see those flowers everyday. Once a year a fresh bouquet is placed where a loved one fell. For a few weeks those flowers florish before wilting and die.

Analogous to using pubs when giving directions to our friends, we that have attended the scene remember every single lampost, junction and tree that have taken the life of another. Those flowers are as bright to us even when they have wilted. They remind us in vivid detail of the investigation, the death warning message passed and the ongoing support we gave to the family.

Families never forget and neither do we. So the next time you see a bouquet of flowers at the roadside. Whether they are fresh or wilted. They represent a beautiful life lost. Anonymous to you yet closer to your life than you think.

Dying to get to work


Does anyone outside the service know the day to day work pressures and work load a modern day police officer faces? I suspect not. Now dont get me wrong this isn’t a bleating plea for you to feel sorry for me. Many years ago, before I was in “the job”, I travelled the world taking photographs for a living and getting paid very well for it. I came back to the United Kingdom and rather than go on the dole I worked in various jobs. Advertising photography was in London and I was offered several jobs but with a new family on its way and starting building my own house it made sence to stay local in the north of England. I have delivered pies, made up orders in a whole sale fruit and veg warehouse. Working 6 days a week, 12 hours a day and starting work at 2AM. Its fair to say I have experienced hard work at both ends of the spectrum. When a local photography job came up I took a professional pay cut of £40k. Now I know many would dream of a salary in that heady realm.

Just for the record I now earn just shy of £37k as a police officer and I have never had to work so hard for it.  At this point I would like to draw an analogy.    I have a friend who is a pilot captain of a well known airline. He earns about £8Ok a year. He takes off manually, then pushes a button and flies his route.  He lands manually.  Basically the computer flies his aircraft for him.  So why is he paid so much?  Well for a start he transports about  400 passengers in any one go. The main reason he is paid so well is in case all those computers go wrong and he has to rescue the aircraft. Add to that the possible danger of mechanical failure. Clearly with the responsibility of 400 souls on board and an aircraft in danger you could argue he earns every penny.  The families of those on board would agree.  He is paid to deal with a worst case scenario, one that requires cool judgement and skill.

Police officers earn what they earn for exactly that same reason; the worst case scenario.  It is fair to say that we are not “racked out” every minute of our tour of duty but in some towns Officers are not far off it.  I know I have been there. We get paid to run at full speed towards an incident when everyone else is running away.  There is a difference between stupidity and bravery. Stupidity means we run to an incident without giving thought to the consequences.  Bravery means, having weighed up all the risks we still run to that incident.  Depending on the distance I have had to make up to an incident dictates the time I have to think about tactical options, scenarios and inevitably my family.  My wonderful wife and my two beautiful boys.  Nearing the scene, sadly they are soon forgotten.

With experience comes age and as I get older I physically cannot run as fast or fight as forcefully as I once used to.  With today’s society problems it is no longer a fair fight.  A twenty year old male pumped up on cocaine and booze is a formidable task for any officer to deal with, let alone a middle aged officer.  Yes, with experience a violent incident can be talked down perhaps in a way that a younger officer could not. (no disrespect to younger officers). But when it kicks off it needs strength, resilience and stamina.

So my worry is this.  As Officers are required to work longer into old age, the general day to day stress, demands on fitness, I wonder how long it will be before a spike in Officers dying whilst in service will rise.  Oh course there is an expectation to be fit enough to carry out our duties.  It is also unreasonable to expect Officers in their 50`s to be as fit as their counterparts in their 20`s.

In years to come, as the retirement age rises this will become a problem for management that perhaps they have not yet foreseen.  I can only hope that as Officers retirement ages increase in years to come, succession plans are put in place.